Life has been life.

It goes and goes and goes.

Just like me.

Just so you know...

I liked be played.

But only by you.

Yes, you.

I don't know how you do it but I like it.

And baby just so you know...

I need a beating. The kind where I end up with bruises and I cry real tears. But then you kiss them away and all is right in my world.

Yes, that's exactly what I need right now.

So I have been in a serious depression.

It was preety lame and sucked all the way around. I'm still working on getting over it but at least I am getting over it.

I blame The Mexican. But yeah it's whatever. When I am with him... well of course we aren't really together. And I'm not capable of being with anyone else. So it's awful and dreadful and well lame.

But I am on the road to recovery.

Wanna know how I know? I met a guy this weekend, Steve, and well I wanna fuck him.

Of course he is totally unatainable because well because he's way gay.

Like he has never ever been with a woman and never wants to be with one gay.

Won't stop me from trying.

On Sunday morning I masturbated thinking about fucking him.

I.came.hard.

Which I was happy about because even maturbating was getting lame.

So when I saw my friend Jason later that day I proceeded to tell him how I wanna fuck his guy and how I thought about him when I masturbated. So he proceeded to tell Steve my little secret.

It was a great laugh.

But I'm serious.

Seriously serious.

But just an hour ago I thought, hey, I wanna have sex in a carwash in the middle of the day. So I called this guy I was fucking awhile back but stopped because it got weird but yeah he would be up for the adventure. And he is. So yeah carwash sex for me in the next couple of days.

Go me.

I wanna play a game.
Let's play the "Don't take no for an answer game".

I'm gonna pretend I'm shy and innocent and I'm gonna say something like, "No no I'm not ready, I'm scared."

And you'll say something like, "That's too bad baby, I'm sticking my dick in your ass anyway."

Then you'll proceed to do just that.

And hopefully cum in my mouth.

You know why I'm too shy to fuck him.

The cultural differences make me scared he'll judge me in a negative way.

I know that he loves me and everything, it's whatever, but I feel like it's one of those things that get programmed in your head and you can't help your reaction to it. That's what I am scared of. He'll just be disgusted by me.

I can't help it I'm a freak and I really love having sex and I REALLY love sucking dick and I really wanna do naughty things with him but feel incredibly shy and scared!

Or as I say when I'm drunk sacred! ;)

And my fucking god this is cliche but with him just being with him is enough. Sex doesn't have to be part of the equation.

But I want it to be.

And I know he does too.

He didn't know I have my junk pierced.... The conversation started about my neck. It doesn't bother him but (especially culturally) he just doesn't get it. And we started talking about the microdermal and my nipple piercings. And jokingly he says you should just get down there pierced. And I laughed and got shy and told him, "I already have!" He looked so surprised and excited it was fucking adorable. And he shyly asks, "Do you think someday I could see that? I have never seen anything like that before."

I think I might have screamed, "OF COURSE YOU CAN!!!"

He really is fucking adorable.

And we have so much fun together.

And the only reason I think it is even possible for me to enjoy this so much is because I KNOW it's not going anywhere.

It's like I don't have to feel scared and vulnerable even though I am totally in love with him because I know a real relationship is impossible so I can just enjoy loving him the way I do.

It is what it is.

So tomorrow when we have lunch I'll tell him my insecurities now that I have figured them out and see what he has to say. I'm pretty sure that he'll just reassure me that there is nothing that he would love more than for us to have sex and for me to enjoy it to the fullest.

But yeah, I'll still be shy.

Even though I did tell him how I masturbated JUST BEFORE I had to leave for work and had to hurry and get dressed to go and was driving to work and while driving put lip gloss on and realized I didn't wash my hands and my hands STILL smelled like my vagina.

Ahahahahah

I can't believe I told him that storey.

He talks about how he wants to touch it again.

Damn, that had to be two summers, no three summers ago when he touched it for the first time.

I was mowing the lawn in a skirt and tank top and still sweat was pouring off me. He walked through the back fence and sat on the lawn furniture and watched me finish... as I only had two more rows to do I wasn't stopping for anyone.

I felt like a gross mess. He said I looked sexy.

He would.

I invited him in.

I thought about how nice he looked sitting in my living room and I wished it was where he belonged.

I could tell he was thinking the same thing.

He makes me laugh.

And he has the most beautiful eyes. And such a wonderful smile.

And he's a really great kisser.

The kissing part being muy importante.

Along with his big manly hands. Sigh.

I don't know that I have ever been so completely honest with anyone about the way I feel about them as I am with him. I mean I'm pretty forward and honest to begin with but with him no matter how intimate the thought I lay it out there.

It's loco.

He could be totally playin' me and I don't give a fuck. I am still gonna be 100%, no no 1000% honest with him. It's how I feel and it's not gonna change.

I must be feeling pretty strong today though because in my head I'm thinking I should just fuck him and get it over with finally.

What a liar I am.

I don't know that I would be able to tell him that one.

Because as always, I'm TOO shy!

(shy=retarded)

The Mexican

Is causing trouble.

Due to a slow drain/clog I haven't got to shave my vag for a week. I fixed it today. So I'm gonna fix 'it' now.

Because a shaved vag is a good thing.

Fucking Mexican.